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The space between, the tears we cry, is the laughter...
...keeps us coming back for more
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23rd-Jul-2007 03:59 pm - *tap*tap*
Is this thing on??

So, after a long couple of months with all kinds of homelife insanity, surgeries and dodging of the proverbial bullet (wheelchair-wise), I am back.

Not going to go into details, but suffice it to say that its been a difficult few months which has finally let up somewhat.

So, with a refurbished laptop (YAY NO MORE DINKY LIBRARY WITH ITS LIMITED ACCES COMPUTERS--I reeeeally need to get out of this town--soon), I am here on my beloved livejournal once more.


It feels so nice to be back.

I hope everyone is well and happy and still writing like mad because I have a TON of catching up to do and I am sooooooo looking forward to immersing myself in the journals of my beloved friends.

Hope noone forgot me. <3
18th-Mar-2007 11:00 am - Pissed beyond belief
My Mum called me early this morning in tears. She actually woke me up, which in itself was nice because it shows that I was actually sleeping, but the reason why she woke me has got me sitting here shaking in anger.

At first I couldn't understand her because she was crying so hard. Immediately my brain is zeroing in on possibilities that would cause her to fall apart so and so I started naming names. Kimmy? No. Chuck? No. Mark? No. Christy? No. Rose, Holly, Jason, Tricia, Lucy, Gavin, Noor, Hannah, Zachary, Sierra, Julia? No no no no no no no to all. The only other time I've seen her fall apart like this was when my Dad died.


It seems some kids in her town were out fucking about and decided to hit the cemetaries in their boredom. In doing so, they pried up ground tags for those without tombstones and switched them with others and pushed over older, loose tombstones and grave markers and took any flowers and such and tossed them into a little stream that runs along the back of the cemetary.

They also broke the small arbour that arched over my father's grave. This was something he built when he was alive for an addition to my mother's garden. When he died, she placed it at his grave because he always liked the flowers the vined their way across the curved wood so she lovingly placed it over his grave with some more of the same trumpet vines that he loved and now its snapped into pieces and she is heart-broken all over again.

I know it seems to be something not worth getting angry over, but mind you to my Mum it was not just a decoration. He cut, measured, sanded, primed, soaked twisted and bent those pieces of wood and carved the intricate designs all by himself and at a time that he was not feeling well (though we didn't know it at the time). It was one of the last things he made out there in his little shop and he made it lovingly for my Mom because she admired one that a neighbor up the street had.

I also know right now that although my anger is a proper feeling, its not all nor is it alone because something else entirely is feeding its intensity.


When my Dad died, I think I cried only a small handful of times and for small amounts. Only once did I allow myself to feel everything rolling through me and that only ended up with me on my knees and a sore throat from yelling at his tombstone. Everything else I've bottled up and now I can feel all of those feelings boiling about inside me like an unopened soda that's had the hell shaken out of it.

It brings back all of the guilt and the fear and the lonliness. Its like losing a limb. Everyday you feel the loss of it, and everyday it hurts but because everyday keeps coming and going you get used to it. That is how it feels to me--the pain is still there and it still throbs with its own life but it doesn't hurt any less--you just build up a tolerance for it and then someone comes along and just sucker punches you right in that tender spot and its agony all over again.

Fucking tossers were bored so they decided to go violate graves.

He was a bear of a man, larger than life to me. He was gentle with kids and animals and my Mum and he was always doing something with his hands. He was the first person to offer help to someone, even virtual strangers, no matter what kind of help was needed. He was an Airforce Veteran, having served in the Korean War and thereafter fixing the jets and planes that were brought in. He was good with his hands always fixing or tinkering or building things. He loved to hit the pub for a drink...only one because he had little tolerance for booze and didn't want to upset my Mum with getting faced. He was proud and silly and kind and congenial and entirely too stubborn for his own good. He loved to tell a joke no matter how corny or bad and was always doing his level best to make someone smile. He always had a quarter for little kids in the store standing and staring longingly at the candy machines. He was a damn good cook and more than one person wished they had his salsa recipe because it was a damn sight better than that crap they sell in the stores. He did what he said and said what he meant and offered hugs and handshakes as readily as a chair on the porch to sit for a spell. He loved my Mum to pieces and spoiled her silly and he was a bear to deal with when anyone or anything threatened those he loved. He was one of the few Heroes left in this world.

You'd have like my Dad. Most everyone that he met did.

I went to visit my father today
In a home thousands of miles away
A polished box of wood in which he lay
And I wish I were anywhere but here.

Overturned soil, earth temporarally slain
hands are fisted in silent pain
as my tears mix with October's rain
and I wish I were anywhere but here.

Encouraging scripts are softly read
a 21 gun salute echoes inside my head
and Taps is played with no more words said
and I wish I were anywhere but here.

Eyes filled overflowing, too blind to see
And with you goes a part of me
as I touch your tombstone on bended knee
and wish I were anywhere but here

We came upon a journey's end
And with it I lost my truest friend
never to see his loving face again
and I wish I were anywhere but here.

A swollen moon glides to hang high
as amber stars fall from the sky
cloaked within shadows I whisper my goodbye
and wish you were anywhere but there.
14th-Mar-2007 04:28 pm - MILF?!? Me?!? When?!?
I just got back home from the grocer's where I had a somewhat disturbing experience. I'm in line at the deli and there are 3 teenaged boys next to me joking about and such and no big deal.

One is staring at me and I'm thinking its because I look pretty naff. I've gotten little sleep in the last 6 days so I've got bags under my eyes the size of cargo ships. I twisted my hair into a rope on top of my head, the bottom 4 inches of which are sprayed out in all directions so it looks as if I've got a small palm tree stuck to my head. I've also not bothered to get dressed from this morning so I'm wearing incredibly baggy, bright blue drawstring pants with iceskating deer on them with a too small, faded black tee and no bra (which in itself is strangely liberating but garnered WAY more attention than I wanted).

All in all, pretty horrendous.

So this kid is staring at me and I cock an eyebrow at him and he blurts out "You look like my Mom!"


Yep. Just what I wanted to hear.

I guess I looked at him somewhat funny because then he says "No man. My Mom's hot!"


Ok, that was even more disturbing on too many levels to decipher.

Then the deli guy calls my number and I'm placing my order and the kids behind me are bumping shoulders and nudging with elbows and its bloody obvious that they were egging each other on and trying to get the other to initiate more conversation when I overheard the one tell the others that I was a MILF.


When in the bloody blazes did that happen?!? I mean, technically I do know when, but to me a MILF is a woman in her 40's with teenaged kids and the like and I'm not even 35 yet and my oldest wont hit his teen years for another 6 years.

I'm just completely gobsmacked!!

So I get home and call Sean for advice and opinion and he, being the smartass that he is, of course is going along with my astonishment and leading me down this primrose path and then tells me to just suck it up. Bastard! :P

When in the holy hell did I become a MILF?!?

And damit! I need a WOAH or a HUH or an O.o icon!
11th-Mar-2007 09:37 pm - YAAAAAY!!!
Ok, so now I can tell you: The Icon Challenge

My icons were 5, 10 & 14

And here are the results of the voting:


Thank you to everyone that voted for me!! =) I was right about the 2 icons I thought were gonna win, but thought they'd be first and second and no idea that I'd win first.

You scored 45 narcissism, 27 paranoia, 48 egomania, and 69 charisma!

A Successful Cult leader would have answered over 50% on all four variables.
If you have over 50% but not exactly 100%, you cult might not be one that will essentially go down in history, or might not be generally accepted as a noteworthy occult organization.

So I'm not paranoid, am moderately egotistical and only marginally narcissistic but I have charisma coming out the wazoo! Go me!

I only scored higher on narcissism/egoism because I said I was good enough to be a cult leader! And why wouldn’t I be? Overall I’m friendly, concerned about my fellow man, moderately charming and I make good cookies dammit! WORSHIP ME!

So I did something insane yesterday and by insane, I mean I bought tube tops.

Bad idea.


If you've got anything over a C-cup, really, you should not wear one of these things because even a C-cup can skate by without wearing a bra. A D-cup is really pushing it though. Anything bigger, you're pretty much asking for trouble (and if you’re a guy with any size cup, you should probably know right now, I’m not referring to you at all—no tube tops for you).

And me, I’m such a glutton for punishment sometimes.

I spent a large chunk of the night last night constantly trying to pull up nonexistent sleeves or sitting and reading with a hand pressed to my chest.

Why? I don't know. I blame the tube top. What in the hell possessed me yesterday, I’ve no clue but when I find out, I’m going to take it out back and pummel it within an inch of its life and then for good measure, I’m going to strangle it with a tube top.

Of course, a best friend just HAS to say something about how lovely the tube top displays the chasm of my chest.


His word.

He compared my cleavage to that of an abyss as if I’ve got the Grand fricking Canyon contained within the confines of my bra!

Bastard coated bastard with bastard filling.

He’s so lucky I adore him, otherwise bodily harm would have befallen him. Well more serious than my just thwacking him with a book.

Several times.

Still. He deserved it.

Tonight was an odd, but enjoyable night. I’ve had entirely too much sugar. I was going to blame Starbucks but since a good portion of people I know, know that caffeine laced consumables have little effect on me, that I’d be full of it if I said otherwise. I will, however, blame the sugar rush which I am starting to come down from as write this since I’m noticing my hyperactivity is slowing down to moderate proportions.

Tonight’s dinner was DESSERT! And for dessert was a Starbucks Double Chocolate Chip Crème Frappuccino with a double shot of raspberry! And I splurged and skipped the short and went for the tall! Yep! I went from 12oz to 16oz! I live my life on the edge!

Thankfully, I skipped lunch so I could afford the double treat, but still…could have picked the grande or a venti but hey! I'm crazy, not insane!

Let's see... I've made Matt dizzy, made David run into a closed door and Mike was unsure if I excited him or scared him--and then he asked me to use my phone sex voice. Sean and I did several 10 minute convos with multiple interruptions and Austin and I played phone tag. Poor Michael (a different one this time) caught me on MSN messenger and the man must think me to be exceptionally dorky. I’m almost afraid to ask what he thinks. I’ve probably scared him away from American women permanently although he did not laugh when I confessed that I was reading Homer and that the night’s choices were Jane Austen or Homer and of course The Iliad won out over Persuasion.

Got to love epic poetry.

Still, I’m hoping I didn’t insult him over the course of the convo. Thinking back, the comments pertaining to moose and sex were probably not good topic choices though he more than paid me back for any unmeaning slights with his comments about the elderly having sex.

I have an entirely too active imagination and I'm hoping to eradicate that imagery with a healthy dose of banging my head on the desk repeatedly until unconsciousness ensues.

All in all a fun conversation even if I was fantastically odd.

And there is the uniqueness that is I. Hi, my name is Desiree and I am not in need of a 12-step programme.
9th-Mar-2007 10:13 am - GO!! GO NOOOOOOW! HURRY!!!!
Go vote!!! Some GORGEOUS icons!

Come Take a Peek and VOTE!!

I have 3 icons in there but I can't tell you which and looking at what else others have come up with... *panic* Really good competition.

Anyhoo...what are you still doing here reading this?!? Go vote! Noooow!

Pretty please?!?

PS for you Starbucks addicts, I can make you a personalized icon like the one I'm using. It won't say what mine does because, hey that is my blend. Just tell me the needed info--go here:


You can make an icon, but it comes out unreadable and crappy looking so I took it upon myself to just make my own and yeah...I'm a nerd.
8th-Mar-2007 07:57 pm - Because I'm something of a pervert
desi say no hotlink meeeee

The etymology of UNF!

UNF! is the sound of the pelvic thrust. Its made deep in the bottom of the throat and is thrust out gutterally; almost animalistically as the hips are snapped forward in a motion mimicking that of sex. Pelvic thrust is something done when there is something UNF! worthy like spotting a hottie you wouldn't mind wrapping your legs around.

The bulge in his pants, I'm very happy to say, is very UNF! worthy!

So, if you like UNF! Spread it around!

LOL Yeah the icon is free for the taking *grin*

edit: Had to include this because its funny as hell considering that she is the one I stole it from!!!

thspace_between's LJ stalker is vampgirly!
vampgirly is stalking you because they heard you are awesome in bed, and they want to find out. They are also stalking the rest of your friends list!

LiveJournal Username:

LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com

As for the rest of my flist...be scared! Be very, very scared! *grin*
8th-Mar-2007 02:55 pm - Squeeeeee!!
Ok, I've loaded 20 more user icons so I have room for 55 more!

← ← ← Oh! Oh! And lookie!
← ←
A Squeeee! icon!!

Again, thank you so much Eve! You're the best! ♥

PS if anyone wants any of the icons I have up there, go ahead and nab as long as you credit the makers please! I don't want any of them to thump me for giving out their stuffies!

Also, if you want to check out my stuff, go to photobucket.com
Username: indigostevens
Password: witchesandwerewolves

I only ask that you load whatever you take to your own servers please. If you need them hosted, just let me know beforehand. =)
7th-Mar-2007 08:57 pm - Eeeeeep!
So much to catch up on and a wonky, weak connection to the net really, Really, REALLY sucks!

I'm so blasted tired of playing catch up! I want to be caught up and have everything fixed and done and stuff...



Check out Zoe's new community sub_slayer. Nothing like a little Buffy spanking to get the juices flowing!

Second PIMP spuffystillness
They have a challegne going on HERE -- which I just entered in with 3 icons *panic*

Now here is a girly-girl thing for all of you: Burt's Bees Coconut Foot Creme Holy crap this stuff is awesome! It smells coconutty but not so much so that you immediately think PIE! Its a thick cream so you won't need a lot and its an oilbase so it penetrates but without the supremely oily feel. I've used it twice now, after I get out of the shower and then toss on some socks while I go about getting dressed etc and my feets are so soft which for me is a needed thing because I HATE SHOES!


... last but not least and most bestest of all is that aa_eve_aa gave me a gift of more user icons!!!


I swear, I'm gonna squish that woman to death...in a good way though.

Not a sticky gross way.

Cause that would be kinda yuck!

And I'd probably go to jail for it.

Still... ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Thank you so very, very much my Evie!

Now I just have to make a damn SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE icon already! *biiiiiiig smooches*
5th-Mar-2007 01:01 pm - Fear the randomness that is me...
Giles Thinker
...or else we can entitle this Things That Make You Go Hmm? or Desi is out of her blasted mind--News at eleven.

Pardon me, but are you crazy?

No, I just have many different thoughts going off at different times and it’s all I can do to keep up with them and make my point. By the way, my name is Desiree and actually, I just might be a little crazy. Lucky you, here are some of my more 'profound' thoughts this morning.

because I ♥ my flistCollapse )

HA! I don't even proove to be a good match for myself on the auto-match thing!


In other news, my laptop is still being looked at and I still have my fingers crossed--which makes for difficult typing--and this is my third attempt at posting this stupid entry. *pout*
1st-Mar-2007 10:19 am - So ok...
Finished my resources post and now onto the bloggy parts.

Hard system crash yesterday. Really hard. I had to do a system go-back (resetting my computer to a previous time) in my case I had to go back 3 days.


I know it's party my fault because I have so many applications going at the same time. I usually have Photoshop, MSWord, Yahoo IM, iTunes, MSMail Live, and various other windows (like the Bloodshedverse, Livejournal, Wikipedia) open as well.

That and my laptop is about five years old now.

Time to probably upgrade to a newer one and give this one to my son since his computer is older than mine even (about 7-8 years).

I spent all day yesterday trying to recover files that went corrupt and were lost with no avail. The geek squard says theres no recovery for it which means I lost some of my personal picture folders (thankfully just the older ones since I have those pics burned to a CD), lost a good chunk of my MP3s, lost a good portion of my Photoshop files (including all of my brushes and textures and filters and gradients) and the Eye Candy photoshop addon was corrupted and lost as well as I no longer have the CDs for it because I loaned them out like 2 years ago and never received them back. My Windows XP was reinstalled since a good chunk of my written things auto-transferred to an autosave draft and now they cannot be opened, or at least when I open them, they are blank so the five stories I was writing simultaneously are pretty much gone along with my poetry folder.

I want to just sit down and cry but I don't have the time.

My poetry isn't too bad. I send almost everything I write to myself in an email so I have a record of the time and date in case of online plagarism (which has happened a few times so I've learned the hard way with that). There have only been a few drabbles as of late that were lost so no big deal. The big deal is this: my BtVS/ATS fanfic that I've been writing--corrupted. I don't send my fics to myself for keeping like I do with my short stories and poetry. I had pages and pages of notes for each story I was writing, as well as pages upon pages of notes for potential stories and pages and pages of notes/history/info for my Willow/Oz stories and all of it is gone--or at least I cannot open any of it.

I have to bring my laptop in yet again to the geek squad to see if they can recover my MSWord docs so I don't lose all my stories. Yesterday I spent all day reinstalling Photoshop and going around to my favourite resource artists and redownloading all of my favorite stuff as well as unzipping it and organizing it and then reinstalling it and I did get roughly 60-70% of what I lost back. Eye Candy is a complete bust though. 120 bucks down the drain :(

I'm thinking I need to learn how to not constantly multi-task or just buy an damn ipod so I can transfer all of my itunes so that will be one less program running and shut off MSLive since IMprograms already alert me of email and probably learn to use tabs so several windows can be open at once without sytem overload.


Can anyone recommend a good laptop--I'll be doing a TON of writing on it (so MSWord is a MUST) as well as a lot of graphical work.
1st-Mar-2007 08:13 am - My most BELOVED resources!!! =)
I diddle about in Photoshop a lot when I'm not writing and I use a lot of brushes and textures of my own making. However, there are some wonderful artists out there whom I do utilize just as often or even more so. I just think they rock my face off so I'm gonna list my absolute favourites (though not all as I have a LOT of stuffies I use from here and there) in case you'd like to check them out as well. That and once I make my big, huge post, I can just link it to my sidebar so I won't have to keep adding on to my User Profile.

Each of these sites have photoshop brushes (and a good number include image packs for those that do not so you can make your own). They have gradients, textures, tutorials, wallpaper-sized and icon-sized brushes, filters etc., etc., etc. You name it, you can probably find it with one or several on my list.

I have about 30+ artists that I've utilized over the past few years, but putting up my most favorite 18 in the order of my favoritessness!! *grin*


Wonderland Resources                                         Thia@inxsomniax                                         Sanami276

Roostergirl Brushes                                         Tackybrush                                        Miss M @ Paperlillies

Colorfilter Artbox                                         Angelic Trust                                         1 Greeneye Brushes

Amadaun Brushes                                         Severeus Slave                                         Lasciviae@LJ

In-vogue Resources                                         Selene Heart                                         Ca-pris Brushes

Solitary Stock                                         Scully7491 Brushes                                         Spike's Bint

the space between the tears we cry, is the laughter, keeps us coming back for more